Top Mistakes Men Make When Dating After Divorce

Top Mistakes Men Make When Dating After Divorce

This is what I remembered about dating before marriage: I would go to one of the frat parties on a given weekend and hang out with a group of friends. There would be a really cute guy standing by the keg of beer, we would smile at one another, strike up a conversation and exchange phone numbers. He might call the next day to chat and then ask me to go to the toga party with him that weekend. If I were really lucky, he would ask me to hang out before the party to have a beer that wasn't from the tap and eat a burger at the local greasy joint. If we still liked one another then we would get together, study and go to more parties to "hang out." This was dating when I was in college and the only dating I really knew before marriage. Fast forward to dating after divorce, and everything is completely different.

Whether you married young like I did or had been in a long marriage, you may feel clueless about how to date again. It's like waking up from a coma and finding yourself in a foreign land, having to learn a new language and understand different social norms. I have experienced this first hand on bad dates with divorced men who are anxious and don't know what to do or say. Here are some common mistakes divorced men make on first dates:

Mistake #1: You negatively talk about your ex and the failed marriage. Divorce is never pleasant, and men usually have some unfavorable feelings towards their ex-wives. But there is nothing more unattractive than a man complaining about his previous relationship and his ex. Cynical statements about why the marriage didn't work out will make any potential partner run for the hills. Instead, focus on your date and discuss your interests and hobbies to get her excited about being with you. If she asks about your ex and marriage, keep your answer brief and positive and convey how you are looking forward to having a close relationship again. Then quickly move on to another topic and share fun, uplifting stories. Also, find good friends, family members or a therapist to discuss your hardships with so you don't find yourself dumping on your dates.

Mistake #2: You discuss your financial woes. Divorce often results in financial distress. Men may find themselves having to pay support, lawyer fees, selling and buying new homes and even switching jobs to accommodate the new arrangement. It's understandable that you are more aware of how to manage your money, but that doesn't mean you need to let your date know about your financial woes. Don't complain about how expensive the meal is and suggest that the woman to order an appetizer because after all, you have to pay your ex child support (yes, this actually happens)! Do your research before taking her out and find something that is affordable so that there is no angst when the bill arrives. Avoid talking about your job that is perhaps in jeopardy and instead focus on talking about what you like about your job and your passions. Overall, the topic of money should be avoided.

Mistake #3: You are continuously angry and self-absorbed with your own problems. Divorce is an emotional roller-coaster with many ups and downs. You might feel depressed, anxious, exhausted, embarrassed, guilty and/or overwhelmed at any given point in time. Be careful to not let those negative feelings and thoughts bleed into your dating life. Many of my female clients have stated that the number one reason they didn't want to go out on second date with a man is because he was very negative or had a depressed and angry attitude. Women like men who are positive, fun, humorous, optimistic and uplifting. Ask questions about her to see what makes her tick rather than pouring your heart out about all of your problems. If you've had a bad day at the office or a fight with your ex, shake it off before the date by talking to a friend, listening to music or going for a run. Make sure you are in a positive state of mind before going on the date. It's better to reschedule for another day if you are in a bad place to ensure a great first impression.